Movie Reviews

The Poseidon Adventure (2005)

Dir: John Putch
2005 English Color 156 min.
Note: This is the TV Movie from 2005, not the 2006 Feature or the 1972 classic
This movie sucked so bad that it was a chore to sit through. Now I know you are all saying, “Oh that’s just because you like the original so much”. Not true. I have been aching for an updated Poseidon Adventure for many years and back when all I wanted to do was make movies, I had hatched a plan to create an updated version (that and one for DW Griffith’s Intolerance, but that is another post).

Before I dive into what really went wrong with this movie, I should point out that I have never read Paul Gallico’s book so I do not know if it is closer to the original story than the original movie, but regardless, the problems are numerous:

1. There was no protagonist: Gene Hackman pushed the survivors to the limits to get them to the engine room. In the new version, it was sort of a committee decision and the bishop character (Rutger Hauer) was a total wimp
2. Terrible acting: I can’t think of anyone in this movie that was believable or even remotely interesting. When a major character dies that brings me to tears in the original, I shrugged and thought thank god.
3. The whole rescue angle: Valuable screen time was wasted on the rescue angle. I want more upside down ship and people swimming for their lives. Not some bored actors pretending to be interested in what was going on.
4. Terrorists? Jeez do you have to update everything. I guess Tsunamis are too touchy a subject these days.
5. The second group: They leave way after the original group does and actually leave right as everyone gets swamped in the ballroom. Yet the original group has to dodge fire and swim underwater for 90 seconds, this group wanders a few corridors and runs into Rogo.
6. The original exit is blocked? Heck let’s blow a hole in the other side. Wow. Lets blow a hole in a sinking unstable ship. That’s a great idea.
7. The captain’s name was Paul Gallico. Not Captain Gallico, but Captain Paul Gallico, and Peter Weller made sure everyone knew this was a **wink-wink** nod to the author. Several times. Over the PA. Once would have been sufficient guys.

I could go on for days. Thank goodness I have the original to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Also, the Big Screen remake titled Poseidon looks awesome and has real actors! Check it out on May 12, 2006!